When someone dies by suicide, the people left behind will be dealing with an enormous range of emotions.
There may be shock and sadness, but also anger, guilt, confusion and unanswered questions. Grief after suicide can be particularly complex, and everyone will experience it differently.
If somebody you care about has been bereaved by suicide, you may desperately want to help but have no idea what to say.
You do not need to have the perfect words. Often, simply being willing to stay alongside someone matters far more.
Don’t avoid them because you’re worried about saying the wrong thing
One of the hardest things about supporting someone who is grieving can be knowing what to say.
That uncertainty can sometimes lead people to say nothing at all.
Try not to disappear.
A simple message such as “I’ve been thinking about you” or “I’m here if you want company” can open the door without putting pressure on somebody to talk.
One of the most helpful things we can do for somebody who is bereaved is simply listen. You cannot fix their grief, but you can give them somewhere to talk about what has happened and about the person they have lost.
Say their name
People can sometimes become nervous about mentioning someone who has died.
They worry that saying their name will remind the family of what has happened.
They haven’t forgotten.
Talking about the person, sharing memories and allowing somebody to remember them as a whole person, rather than only focusing on how they died, can be incredibly important.
You could simply ask:
“Do you want to tell me about them?”
Then listen.
Don’t try to find an explanation
After a suicide, there can be many questions.
Why did this happen? Was there something somebody could have done? Were there signs that were missed?
Those questions can be painful and there may never be straightforward answers.
Unless you genuinely know something, try not to offer explanations or speculate about why the person died.
You do not need to solve the unanswered questions to support somebody through them.
Let them lead conversations about what happened
Avoid asking somebody for details about how the person died.
If they want to talk about what happened, allow them to decide how much they want to share and when.
Questions about the circumstances of a death can be painful or traumatic. The focus should remain on the person who is grieving and what they need from you at that moment.
Sometimes that will mean talking; sometimes it will mean sitting quietly.
Both are okay.
Offer something practical
Grief can make even ordinary jobs feel difficult.
Rather than saying “Let me know if you need anything”, try offering something specific.
Could you bring dinner round?
Pick something up from the shops?
Walk the dog?
Give them a lift?
Sit with them while they make a phone call?
Small things can remove one more task from a day that already feels overwhelming.
Keep checking in
There is often a lot of contact immediately after somebody dies.
Then the funeral takes place and, gradually, everybody else returns to everyday life.
The person grieving cannot do the same.
Keep checking in.
A message several weeks or months later can mean a great deal, particularly around birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or other dates that may carry memories.
You do not have to know what to say.
Sometimes:
“I know today might be difficult. I’m thinking of you.”
is enough.
Remember that grief looks different for everyone
There is no set timetable and no single way somebody should respond after a death.
One person may want to talk; another may need space.
Someone might cry frequently while somebody else appears remarkably composed.
Feelings can also change from one day to the next.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Allow somebody to find their own way through it rather than expecting them to reach particular stages by particular dates.
Support is available in Wigan
Throughout our 90th anniversary year, Varty’s is proud to support EPiC Hope CIC, a Wigan and Leigh organisation working across suicide prevention, intervention and postvention.
EPiC Hope runs a Postvention Harbour specifically for people navigating grief after suicide, alongside its wider network of Harbours and peer support.
You can find out more about the support available through EPiC Hope.
Nationally, Cruse Bereavement Support provides information and support for people affected by bereavement, including grief after suicide.
Samaritans can also be contacted free, day or night, on 116 123.
If you believe somebody is in immediate danger, call 999.
You don’t need the perfect words
Supporting somebody after suicide can feel daunting.
But sometimes the most useful thing you can offer is: “I’m here.”
