During Baby Loss Awareness Week, 9–15 October, families and communities across the UK come together to remember babies who have died and to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss. sands
Pregnancy and baby loss is devastating.
For the parents and families affected, grief can be intense, complicated and very personal. For friends, relatives and colleagues, it can be difficult to know what to say.
That uncertainty sometimes leads people to avoid the conversation altogether.
But silence can make grief feel even more isolating.
We wanted to take the opportunity to think about how we support the people around us.
Acknowledge what has happened
Sands advise that saying you are sorry, asking about the baby and using their name, if they had one, can help parents feel that their baby is recognised and remembered.
You do not need to find the perfect words, just acknowledging the loss can mean a great deal.
Something as simple as:
“I’m so sorry. I’m here if you want to talk.” can be enough.
Say their baby’s name
People sometimes avoid mentioning a baby who has died because they are frightened of causing upset, but the parents have not forgotten.
If they have shared their baby’s name, using it can be a powerful way of acknowledging that their baby existed.
Let the parent decide where the conversation goes.
Avoid trying to make things better
There is no phrase that can take this kind of grief away.
Comments beginning with “at least…” can be particularly painful.
“At least you can try again.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“At least you already have children.”
These comments are thoughtless, and they can minimise the loss someone is experiencing. Sands specifically advises against trying to “fix” grief in this way.
You do not have to make the situation better, you can’t.
You can just be there.
Offer practical help
Grief can make everyday tasks feel overwhelming.
Instead of saying:
“Let me know if you need anything.” try offering something specific.
Could you make a meal? Do some shopping? Walk the dog? Help with childcare?
Sands recommend practical, specific offers of help because families may find it difficult to work out what they need in the early days and weeks.
Follow their lead
Everybody grieves differently.
Some parents may want to talk about what has happened, others may not.
They may want company one day and space the next.
Tommy’s advises friends and family to follow the parents’ lead, avoid making assumptions and respect their choices.
There is no timetable they should be following.
Keep checking in
Support often arrives immediately after a loss, then, over time, messages become less frequent and other people return to everyday life.
For the parents, the grief continues.
Keep checking in.
Remember birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates if the family has shared them with you.
A short message months later can mean just as much as one sent in the first few days.
Remembering can matter
For some families, creating memories can become an important part of grief.
That might mean keeping scan photographs, creating a memory box, planting something, lighting a candle or marking the baby’s birthday each year.
There is no right way to remember.
During Baby Loss Awareness Week, the annual Wave of Light takes place at 7pm on 15 October, when people around the world light candles in memory of babies who have died. nichola.howard@launchnw.co.uk
Families can choose to take part in whatever way feels right for them.
Support is available
Sands provides specialist support for anyone affected by pregnancy or baby loss, including parents, grandparents, relatives, friends and colleagues.
Its free national helpline is 0808 164 3332.
There is also online support, local groups and information for families at different stages of grief.
Sometimes the simplest things matter most
You do not need specialist training to support somebody you care about.
Acknowledge what happened, say their baby’s name and listen.
Offer practical help and keep checking in.
And remember that grief does not disappear because time has passed.
Sometimes the most important thing you can do is make sure somebody knows they do not have to carry it alone.
